post-Futur

I know that I promised to write every day, but please forgive this forgetful and lazy me for not keeping the promise.  It has been a very hectic yet boring and typical student life here that I don't really have anything to update on. 

Since mid semester break last month, I had a breakdown. I lost sense of purpose and I didn't want to do anything at all at the moment. It's not like a normal "I don't want to do anything today" kind of day. I started to feel nervous and scared about future for no reason. 

Well, there is a reason actually. I was questioning my long-term goal of life. Everybody seems to have one. Like they are really sure of what they want to be. And then there's me; who is still uncertain what I want to be and how is the life that I'm living right now will eventually led me to the place that I want to be.  Adakah aku benar benar menjalani hidup ( living the life) atau hidup ini yang menjalani aku ( go with the flow) ? That kind of quetions.

I barely get the answer and then holiday's over. I started my college day, getting up on the wrong side of bed. I feel anxious. None of the things I did can relieve me. I told few of my friends about this but none of them seems can relate to me. The conversation always end up with something that I dont wish to listen at that particular moment. It's not their faults, it's me. I'm bad at expressing my feeling into a language that people can understand, remember? So, I gave up on telling them. But that just make things worse. I feel lonely. I get mad. But I try not to burst out because I know it won't do any good and this feeling is temporary. 

For two weeks, I feel like drowning in a deep sea. I tried to search for meaning and purpose until I watched the movie "Life" and "Before I Fall". I'm gonna make a different post on these two movies. So, until then. Bye~

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ps: The feeling is now gone but I still haven't got the answers for the question. :(

pss: When I say "searching for meaning and purpose", I didnt mean it in a way that I didnt realize we are living for the sake of Allah, khalifatullah and all that stuff. I mean it in a shorter term. In this worldly life Get it?

semester break and retreat

..... And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion (surah 3; verse 185)

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Semester break passed like a breeze in the air. I had to come back to campus 4 days early as we have retreat program. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to do all the #projekcutiSal that I have planned before the break. Well, actually I didn't do anything at all. Haha. 3weeks of unproductiveness and nothing more. I was actually preparing my mind for this upcoming semester (it will surely be a hectic one) ; catering day, MNT, biostatistic, AGD, and also for the retreat. I have had my share of resting inshaAllah and let's pray that it will be enough to last for the whole semester. 

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I made another instagram account (@yeppeunlittlethings ) to keep track on my personal activities and self-project as I think it would be more convenient and easier for me to update rather than updating them in this blog. But i will still be updating about that here during long semester break. 

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The retreat has  just ended and we have a lot of things need to be done ASAP. I'm definitely up for it. Hopefully, this retreat has cleared up some unsettled issue and let's keep moving forward. Go go! 

One thing that keeps bothering me during the retreat is the inability of me to talk in front of public. I thought that this issue has already been resolved last semester once and for all.But that was not the case. Last semester we have so many presentation. Probably like one presentation per week. It supposed to be easier by now. Aiguu~

I was given the question beforehand- it's not even an on-the-spot question which is most likely almost impossible for me to answer it at the moment. God knows how many times i have practice the answer over and over again in my head, in front of the mirror, in front of my sisters. Yet when the question was asked, my mind literally went blank and I couldn't even murmur a word. We actually went silent for almost 5 minutes. OMG! It was so freaking awkward and everyone was staring like "come on Sal, come on you can do this" . 

I do realize this as a problem that need to be solved and i wont just accept it as a fact that cannot be change or 'that is just who i am'. So don't worry and please don't nag at me, i've critics myself enough to last a lifetime. What i need right now is a solution on how to solve this~

Anyway, this is my answer the question that couldn't be delivered earlier TT;

- What is your biggest WHY  or reason for staying in PKPIM?-

If this question was asked to me 3 years back, my answer would probably be " because I have no reason not to be in this organization". For every things that I did, I never really have driving force or concrete reason. It's always simply because I couldn't find the reason why I shouldn't do it. Take my ongoing writing paper for example. When people asked me, why i want to write on that particular topic, i would say, just because i want to know about it and i don't see why i can't write about that. I don't really have fancy reason or brilliant justification for anything i did. That's just how I am.
But looking back, I actually do have a choice back then (in CFS) between this organization and gerakan gerakan lain. Even though I didn't really do a meticulous analysis between gerakan like someone did, what i saw in this organization is the idea and the system which is closer to my aspiration. I was aspired by the 4 ciri kebitaraan ; Intellektualisme, Idealisme, Spiritualisme, Aktivisme. Being a simple minded I always am, I can see clearer what this organization is trying to achieve and how they are moving towards the goal.
Of course, that is just how i feel at that time, and i could probably be wrong on how things actually work in this organization. I haven't been here that long to configure the system but after retreat today, i am confident to say that my decision to stay is right.
Another reason for staying in organization (not specific to PKPIM) is because I believe that it is one of the tuntutan dalam beragama. Keperluan untuk berada dalam jemaah. Kerana tujuan penciptaan manusia lebih daripada sekadar untuk mendapat pekerjaan. 

I think that's all for now. Till next time.

p/s; Classes will start this Tuesday and people will be coming back from home tomorrow. So for the time being, let's enjoy some free time alone because it is such a rare opportunities. #introverting #metime