I know that I promised to write every day, but please forgive this forgetful and lazy me for not keeping the promise. It has been a very hectic yet boring and typical student life here that I don't really have anything to update on.
Since mid semester break last month, I had a breakdown. I lost sense of purpose and I didn't want to do anything at all at the moment. It's not like a normal "I don't want to do anything today" kind of day. I started to feel nervous and scared about future for no reason.
Well, there is a reason actually. I was questioning my long-term goal of life. Everybody seems to have one. Like they are really sure of what they want to be. And then there's me; who is still uncertain what I want to be and how is the life that I'm living right now will eventually led me to the place that I want to be. Adakah aku benar benar menjalani hidup ( living the life) atau hidup ini yang menjalani aku ( go with the flow) ? That kind of quetions.
I barely get the answer and then holiday's over. I started my college day, getting up on the wrong side of bed. I feel anxious. None of the things I did can relieve me. I told few of my friends about this but none of them seems can relate to me. The conversation always end up with something that I dont wish to listen at that particular moment. It's not their faults, it's me. I'm bad at expressing my feeling into a language that people can understand, remember? So, I gave up on telling them. But that just make things worse. I feel lonely. I get mad. But I try not to burst out because I know it won't do any good and this feeling is temporary.
For two weeks, I feel like drowning in a deep sea. I tried to search for meaning and purpose until I watched the movie "Life" and "Before I Fall". I'm gonna make a different post on these two movies. So, until then. Bye~
ps: The feeling is now gone but I still haven't got the answers for the question. :(
pss: When I say "searching for meaning and purpose", I didnt mean it in a way that I didnt realize we are living for the sake of Allah, khalifatullah and all that stuff. I mean it in a shorter term. In this worldly life Get it?
Semester break passed like a breeze in the air. I had to come back to campus 4 days early as we have retreat program. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to do all the #projekcutiSal that I have planned before the break. Well, actually I didn't do anything at all. Haha. 3weeks of unproductiveness and nothing more. I was actually preparing my mind for this upcoming semester (it will surely be a hectic one) ; catering day, MNT, biostatistic, AGD, and also for the retreat. I have had my share of resting inshaAllah and let's pray that it will be enough to last for the whole semester.
I made another instagram account (@yeppeunlittlethings ) to keep track on my personal activities and self-project as I think it would be more convenient and easier for me to update rather than updating them in this blog. But i will still be updating about that here during long semester break.
The retreat has just ended and we have a lot of things need to be done ASAP. I'm definitely up for it. Hopefully, this retreat has cleared up some unsettled issue and let's keep moving forward. Go go!
One thing that keeps bothering me during the retreat is the inability of me to talk in front of public. I thought that this issue has already been resolved last semester once and for all.But that was not the case. Last semester we have so many presentation. Probably like one presentation per week. It supposed to be easier by now. Aiguu~
I was given the question beforehand- it's not even an on-the-spot question which is most likely almost impossible for me to answer it at the moment. God knows how many times i have practice the answer over and over again in my head, in front of the mirror, in front of my sisters. Yet when the question was asked, my mind literally went blank and I couldn't even murmur a word. We actually went silent for almost 5 minutes. OMG! It was so freaking awkward and everyone was staring like "come on Sal, come on you can do this" .
I do realize this as a problem that need to be solved and i wont just accept it as a fact that cannot be change or 'that is just who i am'. So don't worry and please don't nag at me, i've critics myself enough to last a lifetime. What i need right now is a solution on how to solve this~
Anyway, this is my answer the question that couldn't be delivered earlier TT;
- What is your biggest WHY or reason for staying in PKPIM?-
If this question was asked to me 3 years back, my answer would probably be " because I have no reason not to be in this organization". For every things that I did, I never really have driving force or concrete reason. It's always simply because I couldn't find the reason why I shouldn't do it. Take my ongoing writing paper for example. When people asked me, why i want to write on that particular topic, i would say, just because i want to know about it and i don't see why i can't write about that. I don't really have fancy reason or brilliant justification for anything i did. That's just how I am.
But looking back, I actually do have a choice back then (in CFS) between this organization and gerakan gerakan lain. Even though I didn't really do a meticulous analysis between gerakan like someone did, what i saw in this organization is the idea and the system which is closer to my aspiration. I was aspired by the 4 ciri kebitaraan ; Intellektualisme, Idealisme, Spiritualisme, Aktivisme. Being a simple minded I always am, I can see clearer what this organization is trying to achieve and how they are moving towards the goal.
Of course, that is just how i feel at that time, and i could probably be wrong on how things actually work in this organization. I haven't been here that long to configure the system but after retreat today, i am confident to say that my decision to stay is right.
Another reason for staying in organization (not specific to PKPIM) is because I believe that it is one of the tuntutan dalam beragama. Keperluan untuk berada dalam jemaah. Kerana tujuan penciptaan manusia lebih daripada sekadar untuk mendapat pekerjaan.
I think that's all for now. Till next time.
p/s; Classes will start this Tuesday and people will be coming back from home tomorrow. So for the time being, let's enjoy some free time alone because it is such a rare opportunities. #introverting #metime
Alhamdulillah, with much difficulties and tribulations, Drama Dakwah has finally ended successfully(?) but unfortunately we got last place. I have no regret though as all the opponents were all strong that I don't really mind losing to them. ( emm, but the term "losing" is kinda sad). We (read: me and Aa. I'm not sure about others tho) didn't really aim on winning as our main goal is to deliver dakwah and the message from our play was quite clear and straightforward. The only thing that I was really afraid of before the play is that people couldn't understand the message. I was so happy when I heard that a lot of people giving good feedback and told me that they get the moral that I want to deliver.
Truth to be told, my heart did sank when our department was announced as last place. I was already expecting this but it still stings a lot. I felt sorry for the actors, the crew and ultimately my department as I couldn't give them the wining that they long for. And of course it would be a lie if I didn't feel anything at all.
There are a lot of 'behind-the-scene' story that I don't wish to tell anybody but to keep it to myself till the day I die. Indeed it was an unforgettable lesson.
Among the lessons that I learnt is the dire need for me to learn on how to communicate effectively and how to not get personally and emotionally involved in professional work. That is as far as I could go for behind the scene story.
you can watch other department's play from the youtube at Heals Drama Dakwah channel
사실 I'm quite 실망 with this but I know they have did their best and the only 잘못 is with me as I've demand so much from them when I am so lacking as a director.
This is an open letter from me to my team members and to those who may concern if they happen to come across this:
Assalamualaikum Dear my team members, The past few months were definitely among the best days in my life. It was an experience I never thought I would encounter not with my personality. It was only possible because of the faith and the trust that my friends gave to me. And because of that I am very thankful and grateful. I have always been on the quiet side and keep blaming my introvert personality for not being able to do things that I want. This time, I really want to challenge myself and stretch my comfort zone out. So, when Aa asked me if I want to do this, I was contemplating whether to do this or not but I decided to do it anyway despite not having enough confidence as I have always want to try this ( read;directing) out. Turns out it is not as easy as I thought it would be. 근대 연출은 너무 재밌었어 that I might consider to do it again but definitely not in this near future . .......... I have received a lot of feedback and comment about my directing, and I want to apologize for the things talked about. I have made my hoobaes hurt due to my lacking skills as a leader and director. I gave them unclear commands and rejects their ideas without any explanation. I did not mean to belittle their effort but I really don't know how to talk about it in a good way so I decided not to talk about it at all. Wallahi, it never across in my mind to deny their right as a team member, it just that I was too occupied that I have missed few things. It is a fault that I have no excuse for, and I bow my head in apology to everyone who was affected by this act of mine. .......... To my talented actors; sorry to have waste your skills to drain but know that working with you guys was such an honor to me. Despite having super busy class schedule, ton of assignments and nasheed competition on top of that, you have comply quite well with our rehearsal schedule. Not to mention having an emotional and very lacking director like me is super tiring ( i know this even if you don't tell this on my face ) There are times where I sounds emo, angry and all that but know that there is nothing wrong with your acting and whatnot. It just that I am frustrated with myself and I was just feeling lost at the moment. Sorry if I ever hurt you in anyway and thank you so much for giving cooperation and for such a wonderful experience. .......... To all the crews and my right-hand person; Most of the times, I forgot to say thanks and sorry because you guys are close friends of mine and ......................................
You don't need to know the rest of the letter luls.
I was going to end this on a happy note but I don't know why my brain keeps leading me to a sad ending haha sorry ~
All in all, what matters is the memory that we have made together right :)
Being an introvert, I think too much. I feel too much. Every words,action and energy around me goes straight to my heart. And that's why i cant stand being around people for a long time. Especially fake people. They suck all the positive energy and drain the hell out of me.
I hate it. I hate it because it's not that I'm not trying but it just doesn't work. And there are people who said that " You just haven't try hard enough". How would you possibly know how hard I have tried but failed miserably every time I did?
"It won't kill you", they said. Yes, it didn't. It worse than that. It broke my heart. It makes me feel at my lowest. And I hate it. I've tried so hard to accept who I am and you make me feel like I didn't worth anything.
Self validation is what matters. I know that. That's why i hate it more. It's not like you tell me that I'm worthless or anything like that. It's the vibe that you give off. It's how you treat me. It's the look that you give. As if I'm not visible to your eyes. As if I'm not there.
#notmycurrentmode #introvertsproblem
p/s: I apologize (sorry not sorry) for the negative vibe that this blog had been giving off of lately.
Aidiladha kat Kuantan ni ajar aku satu benda yang sangat basic yet people take it for granted.
Rezeki tu kat tangan Allah.
Basic kan? Tapi berapa ramai yang betul betul pahat ni dalam hati?
"Ish, cuti ni semua kafe tutup. Kereta sewa pun tak banyak. Nak makan apa kita nanti?"
Nah, Allah bagi rezeki. Tengahari ,Laila ajak makan kat rumah dia. Malam abang Hanim hantar lontong, spaghetti, kerepek, nasi impit, rendang, etc.
"Esok nak makan apa pulak kita ni?" Tup tup sampai bihun goreng kat bilik pagi tadi. Tadi pulak makan lemang, kfc, rendang, nasi impit, kuah kacang.
Aku jadi teringat beberapa hari lepas, ada seorang hamba Allah ni tanya,"Grad nanti nak kerja apa? "Dietitian, insyaAllah." "Awak ingat ada ke kerja? Takde tau. Orang dah taknak dietitian ni. By the time awak grad, dietitian dah tak laku dah"
Quite few days aku murung sebab benda tu. Aku tahu niat dia baik nak motivate supaya aku ada plan b, tapi entah kenapa aku jadi down dengar statement tu.
Lepas hari ni, aku makin yakin yang kalau Allah menghendaki sesuatu keatas hambaNya, tak ada apa yang mustahil walau apa pun yang orang kata. Aku jadi makin yakin kalau kita betul betul percaya yang rezeki tu dari Allah, kita takkan kecewa walau apa pun outcome yang kita dapat. Aku yakin yang kita takkan mudah melatah dengan cakap cakap orang sebab rezeki tu dari Allah dan bukan dari mulut mulut manusia.
''Ah, daie hanya tahu memaksa dan menghukum. Tak pernah cuba mendengar dan memahami golongan seperti aku.''
Hanis diam seketika.
''Tapi tak adil untuk kau kata macam tu. Sedang kau juga tak pernah cuba mendengar dan memahami apa yang dibawa mereka.''
''Aku benci mereka. Mereka merasa seperti merekalah yang lebih baik daripada yang lain. Mereka merasa syurga hanya dicipta untuk manusia seperti mereka. Seolah-olah tiada harapan untuk aku. Untuk kami. ''
''Ada. Sentiasa ada harapan untuk kita. Allah itu Maha Adil.''
''Itu aku tahu.'' Mata aku terasa berpasir. ''Kau pun tak faham aku. Kau tak rasa apa yang aku rasa.''
'' Fahamkan aku.''
''Bila mereka tahu siapa aku, mereka layan aku macam kuman. Macam virus yang perlu dijauhi''
''Kenapa?''
''Kerana aku berdosa.''
''Tapi kau manusia. Manusia mana yang tak pernah melakukan dosa.''
''그러니까.. 내 말이. Dah laa, aku malas nak cerita tentang mereka. Buat aku rasa sakit hati''
ANIA'S ZONE, my blog is a personal blog. Any views or criticism in my blog is only my opinion. Visitor has the right to accept, reject or criticize the views of the owner of the blog. Criticism is welcome as long as not violating the limits manners.
