Sunday, April 9, 2017

post-Futur

Posted by salwani at 9:23 PM
I know that I promised to write every day, but please forgive this forgetful and lazy me for not keeping the promise.  It has been a very hectic yet boring and typical student life here that I don't really have anything to update on. 

Since mid semester break last month, I had a breakdown. I lost sense of purpose and I didn't want to do anything at all at the moment. It's not like a normal "I don't want to do anything today" kind of day. I started to feel nervous and scared about future for no reason. 

Well, there is a reason actually. I was questioning my long-term goal of life. Everybody seems to have one. Like they are really sure of what they want to be. And then there's me; who is still uncertain what I want to be and how is the life that I'm living right now will eventually led me to the place that I want to be.  Adakah aku benar benar menjalani hidup ( living the life) atau hidup ini yang menjalani aku ( go with the flow) ? That kind of quetions.

I barely get the answer and then holiday's over. I started my college day, getting up on the wrong side of bed. I feel anxious. None of the things I did can relieve me. I told few of my friends about this but none of them seems can relate to me. The conversation always end up with something that I dont wish to listen at that particular moment. It's not their faults, it's me. I'm bad at expressing my feeling into a language that people can understand, remember? So, I gave up on telling them. But that just make things worse. I feel lonely. I get mad. But I try not to burst out because I know it won't do any good and this feeling is temporary. 

For two weeks, I feel like drowning in a deep sea. I tried to search for meaning and purpose until I watched the movie "Life" and "Before I Fall". I'm gonna make a different post on these two movies. So, until then. Bye~

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ps: The feeling is now gone but I still haven't got the answers for the question. :(

pss: When I say "searching for meaning and purpose", I didnt mean it in a way that I didnt realize we are living for the sake of Allah, khalifatullah and all that stuff. I mean it in a shorter term. In this worldly life Get it?


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